Revelations
by I'dBeDelighted
Summary: William and Julia have a conversation regarding the past.
1. Chapter 1

**I think this is** **a conversation that we've all wanted to hear for a long time. Thanks as usual to my beta reader lovemondays and also to Ruthie Green for helping me through this emotional journey.**

 **Revelations**

 **Chapter 1**

The honeymoon was over, William and Julia had returned to Toronto and were now spending their first night in their new home, a suite at the Windsor House Hotel. As they lay in bed, Julia rested her head on William's chest as he wrapped his arms around her. William drew her closer, "I never thought the day would come Julia. I've waited so long to have you for my own. For the day we would have each other and be together forever."

Julia felt a shift in William's mood, she looked up at his face, his eyes were unfocussed, as if he was looking inward.

"What are you thinking William? _William_?"

"Hmm?" he realized Julia had spoken.

"What were you thinking about?"

"The first time we kissed, and how happy I was. I'd wanted to ask you out for so long but couldn't find the words. Even when I finally did I still couldn't tell you how I felt. It took the Absinthe to show you … and not in the way I would have liked. Now you know why I don't drink."

Julia smiled, "I'd wanted you to ask, I thought you never would. I have to admit that I was somewhat surprised at the way you 'told' me how you felt but I can't say I objected."

William smiled back wanly; once again he was inside his head.

Again Julia brought him back to the present, "What's wrong William? You seem sad."

He looked down at her. "It wasn't long after that first kiss that I lost you for the first time."

"Lost me?" Julia repeated.

"Yes, when you told me about your abortion. I was shocked, but I was willing to continue in our relationship, I loved you _then_ Julia and I didn't want to lose you, but you walked away and left me sitting there on the bench. My world fell apart."

Julia was saddened at the change in William's demeanour, "Oh William, I'm so sorry. I thought it unfair to expect you to compromise your beliefs; your faith meant … means … so much to you. Then there was your duty to the law."

"Yes, but I haven't followed either blindly since the Wendell Merrick case."

"Wendell Merrick?" Julia cast her mind back, "Ah, the man murdered in church before his wedding; but he was killed by his brother."

"Yes, because he had second thoughts about marriage. Two good men died, one of them for no reason other than his homosexuality. He left a wife and child behind. I may not be comfortable with the idea and I may not condone it, but I won't condemn it either despite what the church, or the law, says. I also understand why women resort to such extremes as abortion. I doubt it's easy to raise a child on your own."

Julia turned her head to look at him and caressed his cheek, "You've come a long way William."

"Huh, I suppose I have."

Julia laid her head on William's chest again. "You said your world fell apart … it didn't stay that way long; you soon took up with Enid Jones." she said petulantly.

"Only after you rejected my attempt at reconciliation," William pointed out.

"Reconciliation?"

William continued, "I came to see you after our ruse with George's mother. I invited you to a battery exhibit. Alright, perhaps that wasn't the best idea I've had." He let out a chuckle then became serious again. "I got the impression though, that it wouldn't have mattered what I invited you to, you would have turned me down. I thought you were no longer interested in me so I moved on. I didn't go looking for another relationship, it just came along. I can assure you that I would much rather have been with you. I had hoped we could reconnect when I was injured and you tended to me. I sensed that perhaps you still cared for me."

Julia sighed, "I did. I never stopped caring William, but I couldn't see how you would ever accept me after you knew of my abortion. I steeled myself against you, but when I saw you lying there injured, I could no longer deny the way I felt. However by then you were courting Mrs. Jones and she made it very clear, without saying a word, that you belonged to her."

William stroked Julia's hair in order to reassure her. "I most certainly did not belong to Mrs. Jones; she was just a passing fancy Julia. I couldn't stop thinking of you. Then I saw you with Reginald Poundsett and once again I lost hope. Enid sensed something was wrong, she gave me an ultimatum. I had to admit that my feelings for you would not be dispelled any time soon. She ended our relationship, such as it was. I tried to talk to you before I left for British Columbia with Sgt. Linney, Jasper, but Mr. Poundsett arrived at the most inopportune moment. It was Jasper that told me I should make things right with you."

"And you sought me out when you returned. How did you find me by the way?" Julia remembered William had never disclosed how he knew where to find her.

"George." was all William would admit to.

Julia turned to face William again, this time she looked into his eyes then took his lips in hers and kissed him deeply which quickly led to lovemaking and with satiation came sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Revelations**

 **Chapter 2**

The next morning they awoke late, it was Sunday, it was too late for William to attend mass and neither was expected to work. They lay next to each other in blissful silence. Julia had been thinking of William's words from the previous night, _"I lost you for the first time."_ She had never before considered how leaving William had affected him. It hadn't been easy for _her_ but she had left out of sacrifice for him, or so she told herself. However, if she was honest she had to admit it was easier for her to leave than to deal with the situation. She had never considered that William may accept what she had found difficult to tell him. Last night he had opened up in a way she had never known before. She hadn't realized just how much she had hurt him, not with the revelation of her abortion, but with leaving him, without any discussion of his feelings on the matter. It seems he would have been more accepting of her situation than she thought. Perhaps if she had discussed her sterility she wouldn't have felt the need to leave him again because she couldn't give him the family he desired.

"William?"

William was roused from his musing. He too had been thinking of the previous evening's conversation. It was never easy for him to open up about his feelings. After his mother died he bottled them up; other than Susanna there was no one that really cared what he felt anyway. Soon he stopped opening up to her too. At school the boys all kept their feelings in check, the Father's weren't interested in feelings, just souls … and keeping them pure. Eventually he wasn't sure if he had feelings any more, until he met Liza. Her death proved once again that having feelings just opened one up to hurt so he tried to close himself off and he succeeded most of the time. Julia had been working at the morgue for a year when Liza died and whilst he had been attracted to her from the start he'd tried to ignore it not only because he was engaged to Liza, but also because feelings led to complications and loving one woman was complicated enough. However, as time went by he found himself opening up to the realization that Julia had taken over his heart. There was no longer any reason to deny himself the possibilities that a relationship with Julia offered. She was the most stimulating person, never mind woman, he had ever met. He slowly allowed himself to fall in love again.

"Yes Julia?"

"Last night you said you lost me for the first time. How did you lose me? What did you think you had done to feel that way? Did you feel you lost me again at some point?"

"So many questions Julia."

"William, I never thought you did anything to lose me. I want to understand why you feel you did."

William thought for a moment, "When you told me of your abortion I said I couldn't promise it didn't change things and I thought that drove you away. I admit perhaps it did change the way I felt but not enough to let you go."

"No, you didn't drive me away. I asked to meet you to tell you that I couldn't in good conscience carry on in our relationship. I didn't expect you to understand and I certainly didn't think you'd want to remain with me. I will admit I didn't consider that you might accept it and would want to carry on. I didn't consider your feelings."

Julia turned to face William. "I made an assumption and it was wrong. I'm sorry William."

She took his hand in hers. "When did you think you lost me again?"

William considered the question. He really didn't want to have this conversation but perhaps if everything was out in the open they wouldn't make the same mistakes again.

"When you left for Buffalo. I first thought I'd done something wrong when you said you were considering a job in Buffalo. Why would you want to move so far if I hadn't offended you? I couldn't imagine what I'd done. I spent several nights going over everything we'd done and said in the weeks previous. The only thing I could think was you had grown tired of me or you'd met someone else and didn't want to tell me. We'd put your abortion behind us. I had no interest in another woman. Despite looking like I may be interested in Sally Pendrick; I was only concerned about her welfare given my suspicions about her husband. I was at a loss. When I asked you what would happen to us you said something. What was it…?"

He thought for a moment. "I can't ignore them on the off-chance that... What did you mean? The off-chance that what?"

Julia remembered that conversation well. "I was going to say, the off-chance that you would propose."

William turned to face her. "You wanted to marry me then?"

"That surprises you William? Why would I not want to marry you?"

He couldn't believe what he heard. "But if you wanted to marry me why did you leave?"

"I'd been thinking for some time how much you wanted children, and I couldn't give them to you. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep that from you forever and I was worried that you would leave me once you knew. I took matters into my own hands. I made a decision that I hoped would allow me to leave without admitting my secret, but then you came to the morgue and I had to tell you. It was the hardest thing I've ever done."

William moved closer and put his arm around Julia's shoulders, pulling her towards him. "I remember that as if it was yesterday. I was shocked; I didn't know what to say. I was just trying to collect my thoughts when George interrupted us."

"Yes, George has amazing timing." Julia half-heartedly joked.

"I spent the night thinking things over. James Pendrick said he still loved Sally despite everything she had done and thought he'd found someone that loved him despite his foibles. I realized that nothing had changed for me; I still loved you no matter what. I wanted _you_ Julia, with or without children, we could always adopt, and I hoped you still wanted me. The next day I went to the jewellers and came to the morgue but you'd already left for the station."

"Oh William…. But why did you not come to the station to stop me?"

"I did. The train was leaving as I arrived."

"And you didn't get the next train, send a telegram … write."

"As I was riding back to the stationhouse I went over everything that had happened and realized you didn't tell me when you were leaving. You didn't even say goodbye. I thought you didn't want me to follow."

Julia stroked the engagement ring on her finger. William took her hand in his, "Yes, this ring."

"You kept it all that time?"

"I still held out hope that you would be mine one day. I almost sent a telegram with a proposal but it didn't feel right, I needed to see you … to propose in person. I was just looking for a reason to come to Buffalo but the time never felt right and before I knew it six months and more had passed. About that time I met Malcolm Lamb during the case with the remains encased in concrete. He'd been obsessed with the original murder case and when confronted by his fiancée, he'd hesitated in answering, as did I when you told me you couldn't have children. She left him just as you left me. It was then I realized my mistake but it was too late. When you asked me to come to Buffalo I finally I had my chance to tell you how much I loved you, and hoped you still felt the same. I was going to propose, I had the ring in my hand, but you were already engaged. I'd lost you again."

Julia sighed, "I had hoped you would find someone else after I left. That's why I left William, to free you to look for someone else that could give you a family. I suppose I accepted Darcy's proposal as a way of making myself unavailable to you. I thought if I was engaged you would move on. I didn't realize you would still want to be with me despite everything. I was shocked when you wanted to renew our relationship and knew I'd made a mistake but I was bound by my promise to Darcy and I still hoped you would find someone else, much as that thought hurt."

"Did you love Darcy?"

"I think I did, in a way. But I could never have loved him like I do you."


	3. Chapter 3

**Revelations**

 **Chapter 3**

After dinner William and Julia sat on the sofa relaxing in each other's arms. William once again was thinking of the past.

"Julia, when you were leaving for Buffalo after your visit with Darcy, why did you come to say goodbye? You could have just left. And why did you allow yourself to be persuaded to return to the morgue?"

Julia was surprised that William was continuing the conversation once again. "William, why all this talk of the past. It's dead and gone."

"Is it? I want to get everything out in the open Julia. I don't want to make the same mistakes again. We've both lived in our heads for so long, now we're married we need to be honest with each other and not keep things to ourselves."

"Very well then. I couldn't just leave without saying goodbye. I thought I may never see you again – I couldn't bear that; I wanted to see you one last time. When you asked me to consider staying on in the morgue I was thrilled; but how could I just say yes? I had to make it appear as if I wanted to return to Buffalo. I didn't want Darcy to be suspicious. As it turned out he was completely oblivious. It worked out so well that he was the one to persuade me to stay."

"But why stay and still marry Darcy? I don't understand. You wanted to see me but not be with me?"

"It was complicated William. I wanted to be with you but still thought you should find someone else, no matter how hard that was to bear. I longed to see you, for you to walk into the morgue every day. To spend some time with you even if I couldn't tell you how I felt; that I still loved you and always had."

"As did I Julia. Every time I saw you I wanted to tell you how much I loved you and beg you to come back to me, but you always acted so professionally; I never felt I could say anything. I almost did once, during the vampire case. I was so close but couldn't find the words."

"Yes, the vampire case, I remember that well. The girls were bewitched. They knew they shouldn't meet the 'vampire' but they couldn't stay away. They reminded me so much of myself, despite my engagement to Darcy I ached to see you. You came to see me after the case, to ask how Daniel was recovering. I will admit that I had a very improper fantasy about you as you stood there totally unaware. Then Darcy walked in and roused me from my daydream. That's when I gave you the invitation to our wedding. I wondered how Darcy couldn't see the distress in my face."

"The invitation, yes, that's when I knew you were going to go through with the wedding and I could do nothing to stop you. Darcy came to see me shortly after; he said it had come to his attention that we'd had a relationship. You hadn't said anything to him until then? He asked me if it was in the past and I said it was. He asked for my assurance and I lied Julia, I had to give him my word that it was."

Julia looked sheepish, "Actually I never did tell Darcy about you. It must have been Ruby; she'd asked me if I'd told him, I said I had. The next day she asked if I'd spoken to him and if he'd said anything about their previous evening's conversation. She must have told him then."

"Ruby came to see me too. It was after I'd seen your bridal veil in the morgue, I suppose she saw how sad it made me. She tried to convince me that I was making a mistake, allowing you to marry Darcy, but once I'd given him my word I couldn't go back. The Inspector also intimated I should do something as well. I should have listened to them."

Julia looked hesitantly at William, "Yes … Ruby…. She more or less told me I should marry _you_ , that I didn't love Darcy like I loved you. She found the telegram and this ring." Julia glanced down at the ring. "The telegram was dated a year before, I thought enough time had passed and you no longer loved me. I was sure if you still felt the same you would have said something. Ruby assured me you wouldn't; that you would stand by and let me marry Darcy because it's what you thought I wanted. What I really wanted all along … was _you_! She said I should go to you and tell you how I felt but Inspector Giles had forbidden me to see you. I wrote the letter and left it with George. I had hoped it would get to you sooner."

William sighed, "The letter…. That threw me. I had already made my decision to release Constance Gardiner; I couldn't let her hang because of a mistake _I_ made years ago. Yes, she made the decision to kill Randolph Littlefair, but it was my mistake that put her in the position where she felt there was no alternative. I had to make it right, for her and for my own conscience. Then I got your letter and I could do nothing about it. Between my conscience and my pledge to Darcy I was caught in a situation I felt I had no control over. I had made mistakes that cost me … and others; living life without you was my penance."

Julia sat up and turned to face William, "Your penance William? You did nothing wrong. I was the one that took things into my own hands; I made the decision for you. I was so sure you would reject me and I couldn't bear that. I was so sure I knew what was best for you. I thought that when you knew how I still felt you would come. Throughout the wedding ceremony I expected to hear the door open, to see you standing there. I was so sure you'd come for me William, I took one last look at the door before saying 'I do'. When you weren't there I knew you no longer wanted me."

William drew Julia closer, "I never stopped loving you, never stopped wanting you Julia. That was the worst day of my life. To know you were married to another. I could see you, talk to you, but could never be with you, not even touch you. You belonged to another. I couldn't bear to be around you knowing that, so I left. I wanted to get far away from everything that reminded me of you."

"So you went to the Klondike. The Inspector told me about Constance Gardiner and that you'd tried to resign but he wouldn't accept it. I assumed releasing her was why you left. I was stunned that you would throw away your career and everything you'd worked for."

"It was one of the reasons but I could face the consequences if need be. I couldn't however face the consequences of your marriage, or the fact that I allowed it to happen when you'd given me the chance to change things. I knew if the Chief Constable found out that I'd released Constance Gardiner I would be convicted and go to jail. How could I take you from the life you'd prepared to become the wife of a convict? Even if I was released I would never be able to give you the life you deserved."

Julia squeezed him hugged him tighter. "So, tell me William, why did you come back?"

"While I was in the Klondike I met a man, Jack London was his name; he said it was our mistakes that define us. I didn't want to be defined by my mistakes, I wanted to be defined by what I'd done to correct them. I came back to make a clean break, to confess what I'd done."

"But you didn't."

William cocked his head and looked at Julia. "No. The Inspector wouldn't let me, because he'd lied for me. He'd said he would try and put things right, I admit that I hadn't realized what he'd done up until then. Admitting my role in Constance Gardiner's escape would reveal the Inspector's role in covering it up. I couldn't put him in that position. He said I should pay my penance by going back to what I do best."

"You came to the morgue. I saw your reflection in the glass door. It was then that I knew I'd made a mistake. I knew you still loved me. Why else would you come?"

William looked pained, he bowed his head and nodded. "I needed to see you but I didn't want you to know; I wouldn't have known what to say."

"So you waited until you had a case."

"Yes, I knew how to cope in that situation."

"But I didn't, I didn't realize what a difference being married would make. I knew the feelings I had were wrong but I couldn't dispel them and I couldn't go on working with you, knowing that I had trapped myself."

"And I had lost you once again even though you were no longer mine to lose. Working on the case with you felt so right that I forgot everything else. For a fleeting moment I was just happy to be near you again. When you left the morgue I had to come to terms with the fact you would never be mine and I may never see you again."

"Then I was arrested and ended up in the cells at Station House Four."

"Yes, the Inspector asked me to have a word with you. I was surprised at myself; that I didn't feel any of the old pangs when you were near. I knew then I was going to be alright."

"But Miss Fulford was also back and I suspect that had something to do with it, the two of you were friendly."

"Friendly…?" William considered his response, "Yes."

"Nothing more…? Did you have feelings for her William?" Julia questioned. "She told me she had fallen in love with you in Bristol."

"Of course I had feelings for her, I owe her my life, but I knew she would have to leave again."

"So you would have had a relationship with her otherwise?"

"There would have been nothing to stop me Julia. But I couldn't be the man she wanted; Harry was the man she loved."

"Harry?"

"When I met her in Bristol I didn't know who I was, not even my name, she called me Harry."

"And Harry was _different_?" Julia put up her hand, "Don't tell me William, I think I know."

William looked somewhat uncomfortable.

"William, you don't have to be embarrassed. Despite your sense of propriety in public I know you have … appetites. I can guess what Harry was like." She smiled mischievously then kissed him. Getting up she dragged him to his feet and led him to the bedroom. "Come along … _HARRY_."


	4. Chapter 4

**Revelations**

 **Chapter 4**

The following evening as they sat on the sofa after supper Julia turned to William. "I think we should continue with our conversation. It's good to purge the past and start again with a clean slate."

William sighed, he wished he hadn't started this but now that he had he was feeling the same way. "It's your turn to go first Julia. Why did you come and see me when Gillies abducted the girl?"

"I was worried about you. Mrs. Bowden told me that the doll's recorded message mentioned you by name. I thought you could possibly be in danger, that the abductor could be targeting you."

Once again William sighed, this time more deeply, "But coming to visit put you in danger. Gillies must have seen you and come up with his plan to kidnap you, unless that was his plan all along. Either way you suffered because of me."

Julia smiled at him and took his hand in hers, stroking it with her thumb. "Yes, but I had every faith in you; I knew you would find me. All I had to do was hold on long enough."

William put his arm around Julia's shoulder and drew her to him; she rested her head on his shoulder. "He was taunting me, telling me how little time you had left. When I realized what he'd done I thought I may be too late, thought I'd lost you forever. If you had died Julia…. Bad as it was for me though, it must have been hell for you."

"It was, but I knew that I had to live, to see you again. I tried not to panic, took shallow breaths for as long as I could to preserve oxygen. I only really started to panic when I realized I was running out of air but you had already found me. As you dug deeper I could hear you and I knew I would be fine." Julia reached up and cupped William's face drawing it down towards her and laid a kiss on his lips. "My knight in shining armour."

"You're very welcome milady. But you still weren't mine and you went back to your life with Darcy and I went back to mine." A crooked smile crossed William's lips.

"Yes," Julia replied, "until our paths crossed again."

"I was so happy to see you'd recovered from your ordeal, I had no idea what you had gone through in the process though. I was surprised to see you at the asylum."

Julia became saddened at the memory, "It was a very hard time William, I wasn't sure Darcy accepted my explanation of why Gillies had targeted me as a way of punishing you."

"Given he knew of our past relationship he possibly thought we were still involved."

"Possibly. Plus, the situation was not made any easier by his scepticism of psychiatry."

"He couldn't see how it helped you?"

"That's just it William, he could see how I was getting better but it didn't improve his opinion and when I said I was going to study psychiatry he derided my decision. It seemed that after our marriage any support for anything I did disappeared; the only thing that mattered was _his_ career."

"So when you told him you were helping me with my case he wasn't pleased."

"He was not! I think he became suspicious. I hadn't given him any reason to be, but on New Year's Eve when he said I should be with the one I wished I didn't think twice. He opened the door and I ran through it."

William smiled, "And I'm so glad you did!" Then reflecting, "You know Julia, before the wedding when Darcy came to see me to ask about our relationship he said he would fight for you in the extreme."

"He did?"

William nodded, "I got the impression that he didn't fight at all – at least until you said you wanted a divorce. By then it was too late."

"I've done many stupid things in my life William but marrying Darcy was the stupidest. I never should have accepted his proposal. Then because of me … us … he was killed. Despite everything, he didn't deserve that; I don't think I will ever forgive myself."

William took her hand in his, "It's in the past Julia; we can't dwell on it. We had no idea that Gillies would kill Darcy, or anyone for that matter, just to get back at us … ME…. Though in hindsight, perhaps we should have known that as long as he was free he could show up again. But he's dead now and we have to move on."

"You saved my life again William. When you disappeared I almost gave up hope. I was seconds from hanging. I've never been so scared in my life, not even when I was buried alive."

"Gillies gave me a choice Julia, my life or yours. I wasn't going to accept either, I had to have both. I wasn't going to live without you and I didn't intend dying."

Julia shook her head, "Whatever was going on with that young man? I wish I'd had the opportunity to study him. Had something happened to make him that way or was he just born bad? Studying him could have helped you in so many ways. Perhaps we could have discovered how to recognize the same traits in others."

"I hope I never come across anyone like him ever again, he was a chilling character."

"Pure evil." Julia shook her head once again, "But he did come back to haunt us … in a way."

"Yes, in the form of Leslie Garland, another young man with nothing better to do it would seem. Because of him I lost you again when you refused my proposal. I couldn't understand what I'd done wrong, why you had refused me."

"William, I didn't refuse your proposal, I said I couldn't accept it. I know it could be considered the same but if you'd been more aware you'd have realized how upset I was."

"All I knew was you hadn't said YES and I was confused Julia. I was so convinced that you would accept after all we'd been through and how happy we were to finally be together with no … issues; or so I thought. Why did you not tell me, surely you could have found a way?"

"Oh William, after what Gillies had put us through before I thought he would make good on his promise to kill you. I just couldn't bear that."

"If it hadn't been for Dr. Grace persuading you to tell me, what would you have done?"

"I don't know William. I just didn't know what to do, she was the only one I could talk to about it and all she would say was to tell you. I finally realized she was right."

"And it turned out not to be Gillies so you had worried for nothing. I doubt Leslie Garland would have resorted to killing anyone. He just wanted to scare you away from me and make your life miserable. He was a very vindictive young man."

"If I'd known what he was capable of William, I would never have made him welcome here. I wonder if he came here looking for trouble in the first place."

"We'll probably never know Julia however I hope we've seen the last of him."

"So do I William, so do I."

Julia suddenly sat up and looked at William, "William, I do believe we've covered every time we were apart. How does it feel to get it off your chest?"

William furrowed his brows, "How does it feel…? Very hard to relive. Now we know what the other went through and how hard it was for both of us. I felt so alone Julia, I'd not only lost the love of my life but my best friend. I never knew you felt the same way. You'd made your choices and I thought you were happy."

"I was happy, until you came to Buffalo. I knew then that you hadn't let me go, I realized my mistake and should have put it right then, I'm sorry William."

"It's in the past; let's move on with our lives Mrs. Murdoch. Now let's go and see what Harry can do to please you tonight…."


End file.
